everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
