I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
