Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
