You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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