Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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