At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
