You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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