I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
