we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
