Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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