Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
