i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
