Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
