I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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