i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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