Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.