I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day