No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities