They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.