somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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