If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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