im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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