we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
