I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
