just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
