my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
