My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
