Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
