Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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