If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
