I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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