dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
