my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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