I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
