i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
