Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
