i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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