I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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