I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
