What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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