i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
