I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
