help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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