walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
