the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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