This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is Oprah even human
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
