There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
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It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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