Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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