Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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