Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
