she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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