sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
