I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
