My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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