My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
