On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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