well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
