Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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